The Worst Song Ever?
It’s hard to say exactly what makes a song bad. It could be bad lyrics, poor instrumentation, bad production or just a concept that doesn’t work. The worst song of all time is probably one that is a combination of all factors and only like three people have heard it. The only way a lot of people would be able to hear a truly terrible song is if it is released by an established artist. This is the case we have with “All My Friends” by A Day To Remember. At the time of their last album release, I declared them dead because of the presence of “Viva La Mexico.” I hadn’t imagined that they would ever release a song that could even come close to that level of ass-ness let alone surpass it, but here we are.
I’m sure anyone reading this is familiar with ADTR because they’ve been around for over twenty years, were one of the pioneers of the “easycore” genre, and have been one of the bigger names in the (I don’t know what to call it because the “scene” isn’t a thing anymore and there’s no elegant way of grouping those kinds of genres together, but you know what I’m talking about) for a long time. Their popularity has certainly waned over the last near-decade after the release of Bad Vibrations in 2016 which was good-not-great and the slap in the face that was You’re Welcome in 2021 but they are still big enough to garner a fair amount of anticipation for new music. I’m not going to review the whole Big Ole Album Vol. 1 here (look out for March Jams ‘25 coming soon to a computer or mobile device near you) but I do want to take a deep dive into the song.
Why is this song bad and what kind of bad is it? Some bad songs are redeemable by a so-bad-it’s-good quality that many people enjoy. I am personally a fan of songs and films that I can consume and comment on mockingly to feel better about myself and my accomplishments in life, of which there are vanishingly few. Unfortunately “All My Friends” does not make you laugh or smile, in fact, when I listen to it I find myself unable to do anything at all. I feel as if my homeostasis is thrown off by it, I feel fundamentally wrong. It is a quality that I am unable to fully comprehend and, as humans, we fear most what we cannot understand. When this song is playing I feel like the void is penetrating my mind in the form of sound waves. I have never felt less comfortable. If my body were able to do anything, it would surely cringe but the pathways in my brain are clogged by a confusion, a loss for words or actions, a general loss. I feel lost in the world, nothing makes sense. Who wrote this? Who thought it was a good idea? How many people allowed this to be disseminated to the masses like the fear gas in Batman Begins? I need someone to blame. I need someone to explain. I need someone to tell me that everything is going to be okay because I just don’t fucking know anymore. Was music a mistake? How can something be beautiful if it lead to this? Whats the point of anything?
It’s not a good song
The problem with the song is that it sounds like the fourth hand account of a night that happened in 2016 to the world’s biggest twenty-year-old douche with a fourth grade reading level. The opening lines of the song are also in the chorus and they are the corniest sequence of words imaginable “Ah shit, here we go again. Another night out here with all my friends” the first verse introduces what I think is the biggest problem with the song other than the general overwhelming corniness, the lingo used in this song is woefully outdated. Jeremy McKinnon is the primary songwriter for the band and he is 39 years old, this song makes him sound 59. In this verse he referres to his group for friends as his “crew,” describes himself as “ride or die” and says that he turned on the radio that was playing “The Boys Are Back In Town” which had the effect of “hyping” him up. While that song is a classic and I can understand that one could theoritically get hyped up at the prospect of seeing your friends after a long time while listening to the song, it came out in 1976. That means that he had his radio tuned to a classic rock station, the oldest thing someone can do. Also he still listens to the radio, the second oldest thing someone can do.
The chorus is the first two lines reapeated followed by a new line and then the first two lines again. The new line says that when the group of friends enters the establishment, presumably a bar, “everbody’s like man, I ain’t lookin’ for trouble.” This suggests that the group is so physically imposing that everyone in the bar, unprompted by any threatening actions, needs to stop what they’re doing and assure the group that they would not like to have their asses kicked tonight. Sure dude, whatever you say.
The second verse confounds me, he is asked by the bartender if he would like to make his drink a double. He responds in the affirmative and says “42 or Patron?” What? This is not how ordering drinks works. He is ordering shots, we know this because he describes how they burned going down but after a couple he got used to the burning sensation and threw subsequent shots “back like a pro.” Putting aside how strange it is to brag about how good you are at taking shots after a period of discomfort, bartenders do not ask if you would like to make a shot a double. That is a question asked exclusively of certain mixed drinks. Also if they ask for a brand preference you would usually give one brand or say you don’t have one, you don’t give two and leave it up to the bartenders discretion. It’s almost as if he was trying to prove that he knew the names of two higher-quality bottles of tequila. Next in the story, Cody (possibly Cody Quistad of Wage War, who is credited as a writer and producer on this album but not this song) screams “tonight is for the boys.” I lived through the height of “Saturdays are for the boys” I was in college and the flag was inescapable in dorm rooms and frat houses. That was in 2016-2017, why are they still referencing it? They started recording this album in 2022, that’s still FIVE YEARS after it was popular.
The rest of the song is much of the same and equally as awful. It’s just painfully lame, trying way too hard, and painfully out of touch. I’m not saying I’m in touch but they’re like aliens who have just arrived on earth and all the media they studied to try to blend in was on an eight-year tape delay. I used to be a big fan of A Day To Remember, but to me and a lot of others, they’ve now become a shell of themselves and it’s pretty sad seeing them put out songs like this trying to seem cool. I’ve been saying they’re dead for almost five years now but in the back of my mind I kind of hoped that one day I would bring flowers to the grave site only to find the casket exhumed and empty. Now the only thing thats empty is the promise of quality music from them in the future.
